Adventure in Space (Part 1 of 2)

[Jerry]

Since everybody is posting some of their writing, I'll post mine too... I have one that's quite long that I did in a contest some time ago... but for some reason, the judges didn't receive any writing from my age group... (I know and am sure that there are many other students of my age who submitted their writing). Any way, here's the first part.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Ever since I was born, I have been surrounded by my mother and my father. We led a happy life
looking at the sky, its vastness and countless twinkling white dots. My father told me that they are
called stars and were the most beautiful things in the universe. I spent so much time gazing at them,
wondering whether I would be able to get nearer to a star one day. I would be able to contemplate its
beauty and perhaps even bring one home. The closest star to us shines with an amazing white aura,
which makes me feel at the same time comfortable and warm. I never thought that one day, I would be
able to set off for an adventure through space... the multitude of trials that I would have to endure... that
day was nigh!

    As I was gazing to one particular shiny star, a dark silhouette veiled the star and seem to approach at
high speed. “Daddy! Daddy! What is that thing!?” My father just had the time to glance at the sky and
cringe. My mother noticed my father's strange behaviour and realised what was happening. I urged my
parents to tell me what was happening. My father finally regained himself and tried to shield me, as did
my mother, from something; something which seemed dangerous. Before I could say a whole sentence,
a deafening noise filled our ears. The ground was shaking, but I could not see anything thanks to my
parents. The earth, as if shaken by the universe itself, seemed to be opening under my feet. I closed my
eyes, thinking of nothing but longing for the end of this plea. To my displeasure, the situation
worsened. The land shook more violently until it collapsed under the pressure, then all of a sudden,
burst. We were forcefully projected skywards. I was flying, as light as the breeze.

    When I finally opened my eyes, my parents were beside me and allowed me to have a look around.
We were in space! As I looked back, I saw what remained of the place we lived; debris was scattering
in all directions The tremor could still be felt a little from afar, and the chaotic scene told me that my
home would never be as it was again. By that time, we were approaching the white star. Its blinding
light enveloped the three of us and its warmth comforted us from our loss. After a while, we got past it,
and things were getting gradually darker. Soon, the star seemed to be a mere dot like the other stars in
the sky. Space was cold, very cold, and the absence of sound was completely different from the
previous uproar. A feeling of loneliness and being lost started growing in my heart, then flowed
through my body. I could feel the sentiment of sorrow in both my father and my mother, but we all kept
silent as a bereavement to our recent loss.

   As we drifted through the empty space, we came close to huge bodies similar to my home. My
mother explained that they were called planets. She further told me that there were millions in the
universe like those in the universe, but only a few were safe to live on. We saw these huge spheres with
spectacular colours, others in one colour only, and my favourites had a magnificent flat ring
surrounding them. It was surprising to see how thin that ring was, but still was of so delightful a tint.
For the first time in my life, I was living a real adventure and making unbelievable discoveries. The
feeling of loneliness was drowned before the splendour that stretched before me. This was perhaps the
best moment of my life, where I experienced sheer bliss despite my lost home. I wondered if others
before me had seen those majestic bodies and had felt the same. At last my soul regained the feeling of
security and comfort.

   Once more, fate presented us with a woeful trial in front of us. It hardly gave us some time to
breathe before it decided to unleash his powers against us. We felt ourselves being drawn by an
invisible force. Our backs were becoming warm -- that same familiar feeling we had had earlier. The
star of those planets was right behind us, and we were moving towards it! We tried our best to change
direction, but in vain. That star was too powerful for us. It was then that my father and my mother
made the hardest decision of their lives. They knew if they pushed me to safety, they would not be able
to stay with me. I pleaded them not to do it, but they said it was the only way out. They unwillingly
pushed me away from them. I moved to the left while they moved to the right. Even though the thrust
drove me away from danger, my parents were not as lucky. The star pulled harder on them, and my last
sight of them was the fading of their shadows in the vast ocean of light.

[Declan_23]

This I like.
That is all

[Jerry]

Thank you

And I know my English vocabulary has yet to improve I often get stuck on what words to use, when to use and how to use to make my writing better.

[Declan_23]

Trust me, I didn't notice this.
Also, I'm quite impressed by how good your English is.

[Jerry]

Lol, after several reviews and re-reviews, asking some friends if they could remove the mistakes that I left here and there (they were scattered throughout, lol) this is the final product.

Thank you again

[LeoReborn]

What part of the world is Maritus anyway?

[Frenchfry]

It's the part of the world that Jerry lives in. Just that puts it on the map.

Anyway, i liek dis story.
Only misuse of a word I can see is where you said "Unwillingly" in the last paragraph. Unwillingly would mean that they didn't push him away of their own free will, and had been forced by someone else. "Reluctantly" would make more sense.

[Jerry]

Yes, thank you. I think that reluctantly will be a better word.

Just use google Coran

[Pubbles]

Nicely done... I hope there is much more of this story to come.

If you want a handy tool to check word usage and act as a thesaurus, check out "Visual Thesaurus" a program... Well, a program that connects synonyms and antonyms in a visual net. I do recall a Freeware version out there, but my version was paid for... I use it nearly every day.

Also a small thing to edit:
(Fourth Paragraph, 3rd Sentence)

"She further told me that there were millions in the
universe like those in the universe, but only a few were safe to live on. "

Should drop the first "in the universe" to make it work better.

That's all! I like what you've done with it.

-Pubbs

[Jerry]

Thank you. I think I missed this repetition

Yes, I'll be posting the next part soon I hope, if I get the time.

Have you guessed who the narrator is?

[Frenchfry]

Have you guessed who the narrator is?

JESUS!

[Jerry]

No

[Pubbles]

No...

All the people I know (and I have pretty much no knowledge of Anime or Manga of any kind) wouldn't fit in it... The being able to survive in space thing is throwing me off as well...

So I don't recognize anything that would spark anything in my memory...

Hint??

Please??

-Pubbs

[Jerry]

Lol, gotta read the next part then. I think I'll post it now.

http://pokemon-universe.com/index.php/topic,1656.new.html#new