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Author Topic: These Streets Pt4  (Read 5095 times)

Offline Declan_23

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These Streets Pt4
« on: September 19, 2010, 10:20:40 PM »
Yet another amazing installation in the epic saga.
Rate, comment and love :D

His eyes watered from the harsh light emitted by the bare lightbulb dangling above his head; a dark man swam into view as they adjusted to the contrast. He was clean shaven and seemed to be in his early twenties. He had a dark complexion and was clearly of middle eastern descent. This surprised the boy, he hand't seen anybody so obviously foreign for years. It was an amazing feat that he had managed to avoid deportation.
He pushed himself into a sitting position, he still ached but the firey pain seemed to have subsided for now. He was in a drab empty room; the walls and ceiling were white, the floor stripped to boards. A curtain covered the single window, although sunlight crept through the dividing crack. 'An abandoned building, just like any other.' He thought to himself.

'Wakey, wakey sleeping beauty.' Stangely, the man's accent seemed to point to London middle class background.
'Where am I?' The groaned the boy. His voice was garbled and his tongue felt like a slug in his mouth.
'Not the most original line I guess...'
A previously unnoticed door in the corner of the room swung open squeakily on its rusted hinges.
A huge bulk stepped through the gap. His shoulders spanned the doorway and his head was dangerously close to the ceiling. Stubble covered his face, but it failed to disguise a jagged scar on his right cheek. His hair was short and straight; the impression he gave was not of somebody who took much care of his appearance.
'You're in one of our safe houses.' He growled. 'Camel has tended to your wounds, you'll be fighting fit in a week.' He indicated the dark skinned man. 'I'm Badger, we don't use real names here. After your display last night, you'll be known as Wolf.'

'What do you mean "our" how many of you are there?' Wolf only just realised his predicament.
'This is Kidnap, and this guy doesn't exactly look like he's gonna let me walk free...'

'I haven't counted our numbers, but we are not many. We represent those in society who have none to represent them. Namely foreigners.'

'What do you want with me? And what do you know about last night?'

'You're lucky we found you; not only did we patch you up but we have the CCTV tapes of your little scuffle.' Almost as an after thought Badger leaned in a little closer,
'Where did you learn to fight like that?' he whispered. His eyes glinted in awe.

Offline Jerry

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Re: These Streets Pt4
« Reply #1 on: September 20, 2010, 03:49:09 PM »
Great, I loved it! :)

This settles some questions :)
No one can go back and change a bad beginning; but anyone can start now and create a successful ending.
If a problem can be solved, no need to worry about it. If it cannot be solved what is the use of worrying?

Currently playing Pokemon XY/ORAS/Shuffle and Clash of Clans and testing out PokemonRevolutionOnline and Dragonmon Hunter....
Also, forum notification emails are not getting in my inbox... again...

Offline Declan_23

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Re: These Streets Pt4
« Reply #2 on: September 20, 2010, 08:21:11 PM »
And which questions would these be? :P

Offline spirit

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Re: These Streets Pt4
« Reply #3 on: September 20, 2010, 10:48:55 PM »
Eh, not bad. This is probably my favorite so far (though admittedly, I remember little of the previous installments). You also had less spelling/grammatical errors this time.

This entry, has the most substance I find, it starts to bring a little bit of character development. However (and I know you are looking for constructive criticism), the writing style does not follow. In previous installations, your sentences were choppy, and broken, adding tone to the story; in this part, it is written more like a standard story. Perhaps that is what you were going for, and you wanted it to change over time, but changing how things are written is a dangerous endeavor; it means you are going to have to be constantly changing the writing style to match the events in the story. If that is your goal, good luck; it will make it much more effective, and powerful, while increasing the reading difficulty level, and the writing difficulty level as well.

Offline Declan_23

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Re: These Streets Pt4
« Reply #4 on: September 20, 2010, 11:46:16 PM »
The original 3 were designed to be more of a prologue, just to set the scene and spirit of the moment. As these were more 'actiony' I felt the need to use shorter sentences to simulate the pace at which everything was happening. Whereas, here, I wanted to slow it down a bit more so that I didn't skim over the description of the new charactars.  Also, everybody seemed to be telling me that the story didn't really flow, which is what I aim to improve.
I thought you may be interested, here's the song that inspired me Linky
« Last Edit: September 20, 2010, 11:48:33 PM by Declan_23 »

Offline spirit

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Re: These Streets Pt4
« Reply #5 on: September 20, 2010, 11:47:55 PM »
Have you ever read Fight Club? That is written in very choppy, short sentences, and it works, but it doesn't flow....anyway, good job, I'm pleased to hear that was all intentional.

Offline Declan_23

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Re: These Streets Pt4
« Reply #6 on: September 20, 2010, 11:49:06 PM »
No I haven't, but I mean to, when I have monies :P

Offline Jerry

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Re: These Streets Pt4
« Reply #7 on: September 21, 2010, 11:14:55 AM »
It's maybe just because of me... I didn't really know who 'survived' the fight back then. When you were saying the opponent seemed strong and all that, and taking him to somewhere, I wasn't sure who was being taken, and who died. Now, it's settled, and we have an idea of who took the character. I may have to reread all of them to see if I didn't miss some possible link.
No one can go back and change a bad beginning; but anyone can start now and create a successful ending.
If a problem can be solved, no need to worry about it. If it cannot be solved what is the use of worrying?

Currently playing Pokemon XY/ORAS/Shuffle and Clash of Clans and testing out PokemonRevolutionOnline and Dragonmon Hunter....
Also, forum notification emails are not getting in my inbox... again...

Offline Declan_23

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Re: These Streets Pt4
« Reply #8 on: September 21, 2010, 06:29:53 PM »
Nah, I have a clear idea of the plot in my head, but it may not be obvious from my writing. Hopefully this makes it more exciting :D

Offline Pubbles

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Re: These Streets Pt4
« Reply #9 on: September 25, 2010, 04:35:56 PM »
Write each part longer!!

/whine

But seriously, if you could make each portion a bit longer, either by description (preferred) or dialogue, each part would come out very professional. There are a few places in each of these parts that you could through in a bit more of description and enrich the story a bit.

But you already knew what I thought, but I wanted to post it anyways, so hah!

-Pubbs
... ... ... Shh ... ... ... The walls have feet ... ... ...

Offline Frenchfry

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Re: These Streets Pt4
« Reply #10 on: October 01, 2010, 10:56:03 PM »
Write each part longer!!

/whine

But seriously, if you could make each portion a bit longer, either by description (preferred) or dialogue, each part would come out very professional. There are a few places in each of these parts that you could through in a bit more of description and enrich the story a bit.

But you already knew what I thought, but I wanted to post it anyways, so hah!

-Pubbs
This.
Also,  good job. Could you maybe has character development in the next episode or two though?

Offline Declan_23

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Re: These Streets Pt4
« Reply #11 on: October 01, 2010, 11:18:50 PM »
Write each part longer!!

/whine

But seriously, if you could make each portion a bit longer, either by description (preferred) or dialogue, each part would come out very professional. There are a few places in each of these parts that you could through in a bit more of description and enrich the story a bit.

But you already knew what I thought, but I wanted to post it anyways, so hah!

-Pubbs
This.
Also,  good job. Could you maybe has character development in the next episode or two though?
There will be a bit, but most of it will have to take place in part 6 as I've almost finished number 5.