Journey (Part Two: Captured.)

[DarK_SouL]

 I called out my newest Pokemon, that I happened to bring with me. My Munchlax (Munch). "In case the Admin catches me, I can at least battle with you and Munch." I crouched down and started backing up... Munch and Luxray started following me back. "Mun!..." "No!" "Hey, is that a kid!" The Admin ran up to me. "You kids think you can get away with anything don't you!" The Admin sent out a Roserade and a Glaceon. "Who am I kidding. I can't win..." I ran as fast as my legs could go.

When I finally reached my house  had lost the Admin. "Thank god he didn't have any Flying Types! I remembered Luxray and Munch who were luckily behind me. "You can't fit in my Trailer can you? "I've been wanting to do this, but I never dared to. Luxray, I'm going to catch you. It will really tell me if you like me or not. A smile on my Face I tossed my Ultra Ball at Luxray and it shook once. My feeling then was unlike any Pokemon Battle I'd ever faced.

The pokeball shook a second time, this time I saw the Admin running up the street. "D*mn! I gotta get my other Pokemon!" I ran in my House. I couldn't let him get a hold of Luxray, if he got loose or not. I dashed into my room and grabbed the Three Pokeballs on my Counter. I climbed back out through my Window. The Admin was walking up to the Pokeball. "OH thank god, I'm not to late!" I leaped past Team Skies member and grabbed the Pokeball. "Oh no you don't! I got hit with a Ice Beam from the Glaceon. Pokeball Clutched in my hand, I flew towards a car, luckily not into the road. Slipping from consciousness I wondered if there was a Pokemon in this Pokeball or not...

Was I here or was it all an illusion, whats real and whats a lie. That attack hit me so hard that I was starting to question reality. I think my consciousness was still hanging from a thread, but I was there, wherever there is. I attempted to get up, although it was a failure. With my last ounce of strength I threw the Pokeball. A Luxray flew out into the battlefield. With a smile on my face I was out of it now. I hoped Luxray would be alright.

When I awoke, I was behind a building, Luxray was fine, and the Admin was searching for us. I don't think that it had been that long, that I was out of it. I figured I could fight now so I got up. I could just escape but then he could go tell his Boss and they would be alert about me. If I was going to be sneaky then no one could know about me, so i called out Gengar(Dark), Scizor(Slash) and Flygon(Sonix). I didn't know how many Pokemon he had, but whatever the amount I would try my best.

"OK so I have a 5-man team now. That cool, and illegal. I assume it will be double battle so Slash, you and Luxray should battle first." "I guess I'd better withdraw the rest of you." I pulled out three Ultra Balls from my trench coat, and Withdrew Munch, Dark and Sonix. Oh, Luxray... Lets call you Trik. "OK, I hope you guys are ready for this!" "LUX!" "Sciz-Scizor!" I walked out into the Street, suspense growing at every step. "Hey, you were looking for me, correct?"

[Frenchfry]

This is rather action-packed, yes.
I do feel that you started getting redundant at some points, however.
Especially here:

Slipping from consiousness I wondered if there was a Pokemon in this Pokeball or not...

Slipping from Consiousness I wondered if there was a Pokemon in that Pokeball or not. WAs I here or was it all an illusion, whats real and whats a lie. That attack hit me so hard that I was starting to question reality. I think my consciousness was still hanging from a thread, but I was there, wherever there is.

I also noticed a change in style, right about here:

If this was a game, and I could press B repeatedly to up the chances, I would. That is how high the tension was.

Before this, it was a more simplistic version of first-person. You know, basically just third-person limited, only using 'I' or 'we'. Then, you changed to a similar style to the Pendragon series, where it really is colored, as if the main character were telling a story to a friend. Both styles are good, but I'd reccomend trying to stick with one.

Aside from that, good job. I also liked the point in the story you chose to end this episode at. Very suspenseful.

[Jerry]

Besides the couple typos here and there, it was good

One thing though... who was Aqua?

And here:

With my last ounce of strength I threw the pokeball. A Luxray flew out into the battlefield. With a smile on my face I was out of it now. I hoped Luxray would be all right.

When I awoke, I was behind a building, Luxray was hurt, but he was with me and the admin was searching for us.

I feel like I missed something between those two paragraphs. 'You' lost consciousness after sending out Luxray?
It seems Luxray battled... he was hurt. I guess he battled the admin, but if so, how could be looking for you?

[Declan_23]

Pretty good, but I'll give you a tip.
Whenever I write a story, I wait until the next day before reading over it, this makes it easier to spot any errors etc.

[DarK_SouL]

Thanks for the feedback. I fixed grammar errors, edited out Aqua (I was going to have Three Starters as the Three Pokemon) Also changed the part and Luxray being hurt to "Luxray was with me and the Admin was searching for us." Oh, and about being Redundent, I'll get that part but try to be less like that from now on.