Riolu And The Big Bad Bully!

[PowerPoke]

Targets Set By Jerry:

1. The setting (time, weather maybe, type of environment or better, give hints at this, etc)
2. The plot (why are they doing this or that? Maybe tell a little of what happened before, what is happening)
3. The structure (use of paragraphs is a big issue)
________________________________________________________________________________

One Monday morning, Riolu woke up! It was sunny, and breezy! It was 8:00am and he was getting ready for Poke-School. He packed some sweet poffins, and some water for his dinner. He hugged Lucario and set off!

Riolu was walking past Funny Forest when he met a Zubat. The Zubat said. "Hey you! Kid give me your sweet poffins, or I'll beat you up!" Riolu stood still...Shivering in fear. "But I need them for my dinner!" "GIVE ME YOUR POFFINS NOW" Shouted Zubat! "You don't scare me" Riolu said bravely!

Zubat was astonished that Riolu defended himself! "Nobody speaks to me like that! I challenge you to a fight!" Declared Zubat! Riolu noticed that Zubat was shaking slightly..."Fine" Said Riolu. At this point Zubat was shaking even more. "F...F..Fine Let me go first!" Zubat said sheepishly...

Riolu then noticed that Zubat was sweating, and shaking more than ever! "Lets not fight" Said riolu proudly. "Fighting doesn't solve anything" Zubat stared at Riolu, then he smiled. "I'm sorry I was a jerk to you Riolu!" I just really wanted some of your sweet poffins!

Riolu thought, then he thought some more..."If you ask nicely Zubat, I'd love to share my poffins with you!" Zubat agreed with Riolu and said. "Please may you share your poffins with me Riolu?" Riolu smiled, "Of cause Zubat!" "Thank you for asking Polietly!"

So Riolu shared his sweet poffins with Zubat, and they became good friends! They munched and crunched the poffins! They felt full and happy!

What a fantastic day!

[Jerry]

A tad better. You are aware that the day and time like in (hh hours mm minutes) doesn't really matter? lol. When I referred to time, I pointed to something saying that it was morning, or night.

Now you might try adding more ideas to make it even more interesting, maybe 'inflate' a little each paragraph (or putting some together). 4-5 lines a paragraph for now would appear reasonable.

Ok, one thing I like when reading conversations, is that you switch line after each convo line. It makes it easier to read.

Last but not least, you might also want to revise your writing, there are some grammar mistakes you left here and there.

[PowerPoke]

Thanks Jerry! I'm slowly but surely getting there

[Frenchfry]

Riolu's eyes snapped open from his dreams. It was monday morning. There was a slight breeze coming from the window, accompanied by a few rays of light. It was 8:00am and he was getting ready for Poke-School. He packed some sweet poffins and some water for his dinner. He hugged Lucario goodbye and set off.

Avoid using exclamation points outside for conversations between characters, as it detracts from quality. Also, "One monday morning, Riolu woke up!" strikes me as slightly obvious. Don't you wake up every morning?

Stepping away from that, I do feel as if I'm reading a toddler's bedtime story.

[Desbear]

pretty  good

i say ad more to it and it could be really good but there should be more then one conflict 
there should also be more bully other then that it looks good

[Frenchfry]

french fry be quiet

pretty  good

Meowth, it's called a critique. Good writers, like myself, Leo, and Jerry, give those. It's not mean-spirited, it's something you say in hopes of helping the one you're critiquing improve. You can't get better unless you know what your flaws are.

[Wailord]

Riolu was walking past Funny Forest.

It is a very stereotypical happy story. There needs to be a tad more conflict.

And perhaps a stronger title rather then Riolu And The Big Bad Bully!
Then again the title suggests, a "Happily ever after ending" and you already can see where the story is going.

[PkMn Trainer Black]

Add more action. Violence usually gets most of people's attention.


Tis' is a thought unless it is a baby bedtime story...