A stroke of Nostalgia

[Atlas]

A very short fanfic about how my OC got his crobat;

[[[There was a repeated heavy knock on the door. Startled at the breakfast table Atlas got up to see who had come to visit. Opening the door he saw a familiar face "Falkner? What's going on? Aren't you usually asleep at this time" Falkner looked very calm and confident "Dad went to Goldenrod to pick up some supplies. Once he left-" He held up a poke ball "I swiped the pidgey". Atlas shook his head "You know what he's like, your DADs the trainer, not you"
"Dads never around to even watch the gym. I've been training pidgey in secret" A sneaky grin broke across his face. "Wanna come with? So you can see how a trainer looks in action"
"I'd rather not get on your dads ba-"
"Don't be such a baby, come on" Falkner grabbed Atlas wrist with talonous grip and pulled him toward Route 31
It was just past dawn, the sun was barely awake and the dew on the grass was still fresh. The ground was cold and wet as Falkner rushed over to dark cave
"You know, ever since those kids dared you to go in, you've been terrified of dark cave" Falkner said with a grin
"The place is crawling with wild Pokémon, of course I'm scared" He defended
"Well, now we have a Pokémon with us, no need to be a little torchic" Mockingly he lowered himself and started flapping his arms as he made clucking noises
"You are incredibly immature, you know that don't you?" Falkner just smiled
"Then you're coming?"
"I don't see that I have a choice"
As they entered the cave it was in direct opposition to outside. Then was no smells, the ground was hard, dry and cold, and the light was all but gone. Although he had turned 19 not a week ago Atlas was still very frightened of the cave, its darkness scared him. Jumping at every rolling stone, flinching at every crunch he kept close to Falkner. The two had been friends all their lives, Falkner had always said he wanted to take over his dad's gym, yet his dad never let him touch a Pokémon. And now he's come to this? How long had he been doing this Atlas thought. There was a screech up ahead, the heavy fluttering of wings and the snap of a pokemon leaving a ball. In the darkness Atlas heard pidgey's coo as falkner yelled instructions. The bashing and crashing almost caused him to curl up in a ball but he didn't. He stood his ground and listened.
He could hear five things, falkner's yelling, pidgey's coo-ing, and the fluttering of 4 sets of wings.
"Pidgey use tackle" a slam, a crunch and a thump followed. Alarmed Atlas moved closer to see if he could make out what happened. A small click sounded and falkner's torch lit up.
"YOU BASTARD, YOU HAD A TORCH AND DIDN'T TELL ME" He was redfaced in anger
"Haha, your pants clean?" He teased. Pointing the light at the location of the thump the two saw a small mass of flesh "What is it?"
Atlas' curiousity got the best of him as he edged closer. Turning it over he said "It's a zubat, I think you killed it!" Falkner Fist pumped and congratulated pidgey on a excellent take-down. The zubat stirred "It's alive! It's weak but alive"
"Yer, it's weak alright, that was just one hit" He scoffed, his tone changed as he saw Atlas scoop up the poor pokemon in his arms and cradle it softly "Oh come on man, It's just a zubat"
Atlas ran, holding the poor pokemon close to his chest his legs pounded as he rushed to the pokemon center.
The door burst open as he rushed in and one of the Doctor's met him inside "My boy what happened?" He asked, but when he glanced down at the pokemon, he assumed he knew. Gingerly he lifted the purple mass out of Atlas' arms "It's ok son, she'll be alright" The doctor took the zubat into a back room whilst Atlas followed concerned. He watched through the glass as they did their best to mend it. After what felt an age the man came back out "She's going to be ok, a few broken ribs and a buck wing but she should heal nicely. Now, I need to know your name" Atlas had barely thought about anything from the cave, it was this question that snapped him back to reality.
"P-Pardon?"
"Your name son?"
"Oh, Atlas"
"Well Atlas, your zubat's going to be just fine, she's lucky to have a trainer as caring as you, some people just leave them where they fall. What's her name?"
"Oh, I'm not-" Atlas saw the look in the mans eye, he looked back at the little mass in the bed "Samantha. Her name is Samantha"
"Ok, 'Atlas' Samantha' " He scribbled on a sticker and returned to the room to stick it above her head. When he came out he told him about how it would probably be best if he waited outside. If he had a pokegear they could call him when she was better. Atlas left his number and walked out.

***

It was not fun, Listening to Falkner's dad berate them both. He yelled about how irresponsible it was for falkner to take his pokemon and how Atlas should have stopped him. Atlas was relieved as his pokegear rang, thankful for an escape he picked it up "Hello?"
"Hello Atlas? It's Doctor Zil, I'm calling to tell you Samantha's awake and doing fine. She should be ready for you to take her home now"
"Uhh thanks. I'll be right over" He hung up and raced out the door and back to the pokemon center. As they passed Samantha to him she shrunk in his arms, trying desperately to get away from all the strange noises and smells. He couldn't resist her, and turning her ear back the right way he whispered "It's ok, I'll keep you safe, nothing will happen to you. I swear"]]]

Opinions? I know it needs a lot of work

[Jerry]

It's okay I think. Couple of small mistakes and one part where the conversation wasn't very clear when it concerned who was talking to who

Like here:

="You know, ever since those kids dared you to go in, you've been terrified of dark cave" Falkner said with a grin
+"The place is crawling with wild Pokémon, of course I'm scared" He defended
="Well, now we have a Pokémon with us, no need to be a little torchic" Mockingly he lowered himself and started flapping his arms as he made clucking noises
+"You are incredibly immature, you know that don't you?" Falkner just smiled
="Then you're coming?"
+"I don't see that I have a choice"

= means Falkner is speaking... and on the 4th line, we see that Atlas is the one supposed to be speaking but it's Falkner... or I missed something

[Atlas]

+"You are incredibly immature, you know that don't you?" Falkner just smiled

I can understand the confusion, falkner is smiling in response to what he said. I have the rest of the fanfic/nuzlocke on my DA account

But thanks for the reply Jerry

[Jerry]

Ahh, I see. Well, usually, you have that part on a new line, or put it with the next line, using 'said Falkner smiling'.

You're welcome

[Atlas]

I've fixed most of the issues in my DA ones. http://cronus-power.deviantart.com/