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Author Topic: Dewott's Revenge (A Short Story about a Small Pokemon)  (Read 4503 times)

Offline GalaxyGrammaphone

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Dewott's Revenge (A Short Story about a Small Pokemon)
« on: January 01, 2012, 10:49:57 AM »
Dewott’s Revenge

Dewott left his underwater cave, a cave entered by water but is also a secret airpocket, where he hides from the mocking Pignites, Servines, Herdiers. The Pokemon that were always mocking him. The reason he usually stayed in his water cave. But he had to leave, he had to attend training like the rest of the juvenile Pokemon in the area. Dewott was mocked for his size. Okay, Servines weren’t much bigger, but the other Pokemon always defended them, and Dewott was the only one of his kind. Even his parents weren’t around, they had been separated when trainers came for them, but left the poor little Oshawott he was. But Dewott knew the only way he could get stronger was through training, and that meant standing up to the Pokemon around him.  Dewott prepared himself for this, he hadn’t left his cave in a while since the incident with the many Pignites of the town.
Dewott had found himself in a sticky situation with a few Pignites at training, and resorted to his water cave to hide.  The whole thing started when Dewott mentioned water types would always be stronger than fire, but hadn’t realised how loud he had said it. A swarm of Pignites surround him, and Dewott and no choice but to Water Gun them away. But Pignites, being tough as nails, rose and stomped towards him. Dewott realised where the situation was going, and attempted to run, but he found a pack of Herdiers with a single Stoutland, and stopped dead in his tracks.
‘You wanna talk about how we ain’t good, huh? You wanna tell us we ain’t good at fighting water-type, huh little Dewott?’ one of the Pignite growled
‘Well, it’s a fact, water has the type advantage, and will always-‘ Dewott was cut off when the Stoutland pushed him from behind into the mud
‘Well, if you such a brainbox, maybe you should beat it, that would be smart for you right now,’ the Pignite yelled
‘I need to train, you know that, you brainless pig’ Dewott stated strongly
‘ARGH! I can’t take anymore of ya smart talk. Hey guys, make sure this kid knows he ain’t welcome anymore,’ the Pignite roared. The rest well, we can all guess.
But Dewott was going to make a stand, train harder than ever, become as strong as those filthy Pignites. For one, Dewott was gonna prove he wasn’t a guy to be walked all over.
He marched strongly to the training ground, with his head held high. As he turned the corner, towards the gate of the training ground, the first thing he saw was the leader Pignite, the one who overheard Dewott, smashing a dummie the same size as a…. Dewott. This made Dewott super mad, madder than he had been before. He continued marching to the training ground, and began to train. He knew the eyes of all the Pokemon around him were on him, but today was his day, he was past caring. He was training so hard, he felt so much stronger. And suddenly, he felt something inside him changing, the same feeling he got when he was a small Oshawott. He knew what was happening now.
The leader Pignite started talking to what he thought was Dewott, with his back to him.
‘Hey buddy, I thought we told ya to-‘ the Pignite was cut off when he turned around and walked into a huge Pokemon. He slowly looked up to find it was a Samurott. Everyone knew how strong one of these were. The Pignite turned to walk away, but he heard a loud voice from behind.
‘It’s too late to run now, you brainless pig,’

THE END
Written by GalaxyGrammaphone.
I am open to any compliments, suggestions and criticism.
Hope you all liked it! :D

Offline Jerry

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Re: Dewott's Revenge (A Short Story about a Small Pokemon)
« Reply #1 on: January 01, 2012, 04:10:16 PM »
Hmm to be honest, it's short and sweet, but then, there seems to be something wrong with the personalities of your characters. Like I don't know... first you mention that Dewott gets mocked by the others while it is him who is speaking aloud and mocking the other pokemon in the process... I don't think that someone who is being bullied is brave enough to do something like that, until that one finds enough courage one day. But then, if that was what happened, he would have never attempted to run away, for the day he would make up his mind would be the day he is sure he will get his revenge and back from nothing whatever be the situation.

Also, I don't quite see why the Herdier and Stoutland are doing here. Sure, they stop him from fleeing, but it isn't apparent why. Like if they were up to a fight, they surprisingly decide to remain passive about it and never are heard again.

Next, yea, the Pignite. Even if he faced a big pokemon, there's something that bullies do. I would imagine Pignite even trying to challenge him and if he gets beated up, resort to bringing more pokemon to help him.

Well, this is just my opinion about it. I think you can improve a lot on this :)
No one can go back and change a bad beginning; but anyone can start now and create a successful ending.
If a problem can be solved, no need to worry about it. If it cannot be solved what is the use of worrying?

Currently playing Pokemon XY/ORAS/Shuffle and Clash of Clans and testing out PokemonRevolutionOnline and Dragonmon Hunter....
Also, forum notification emails are not getting in my inbox... again...

Offline GalaxyGrammaphone

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Re: Dewott's Revenge (A Short Story about a Small Pokemon)
« Reply #2 on: January 01, 2012, 11:35:00 PM »
Thanks, I'll try and improve on those things :)