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Author Topic: Lucario goes to the poffin shop!  (Read 4944 times)

Offline PowerPoke

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Lucario goes to the poffin shop!
« on: February 21, 2011, 01:34:51 AM »
On a sunny, sunday morning, Lucario's belly rumbled! "I'm hungry" Said Lucario with a smile. "I'm going to go to the poffin shop!" So Lucario walked past the Funny Forest, he met a little Riolu. "I'm hungry!" Said the Riolu. "Me too!" Said Lucario! "Why don't we go to the poffin shop together?" Lucario said happily! "That sounds great" Shouted Riolu with delight! So they both walked into Hunny Sunny City! They went inside the poffin shop and went to the counter! "Please could we buy some sweet poffins?" Lucario said to the Blissy running the shop. "Okie Dokie!" Said the Blissy! "Rumble rumble" Went Riolu's tummy. "That'll be 1 Oran berry please!" Said the Blissy. "Ok" Smiled Lucario. So lucario and Riolu walked out of the shop with their Sweet Poffins! "Gobble Gobble" "Crunch" "Munch" Lucario and Riolu sat on a rock and ate the poffins! "Yum Yum!" Said Riolu! "Delicious" Smiled Lucario! Lucario and Riolu went back home and fell asleep with a full tummy! What a fantastic day!
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Offline PowerPoke

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Re: Lucario goes to the poffin shop!
« Reply #1 on: February 21, 2011, 01:37:34 AM »
Do you like it? It's my first ever pokemon story ;D
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Offline LeoReborn

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Re: Lucario goes to the poffin shop!
« Reply #2 on: February 21, 2011, 02:05:20 AM »
How old are you?

It seems a little childish, and the story is difficult to read because its crammed in there.
It is good for a first story, but I'd suggest reading some of the stories in this section, preferably written by me, Frenchfry, Jerry, Pkmn Trainer Black... people like us.

Its constructive criticism, to make you a great writer. I would suggest those things to write like a true author.
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By loving so many, I have touched their lives and helped them rebirth as well. To be strong is to instill strength in another.

Offline PowerPoke

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Re: Lucario goes to the poffin shop!
« Reply #3 on: February 21, 2011, 02:08:15 AM »
Thanks StarLite! I'll take your advice and become a better writer! :)
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Offline Frenchfry

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Re: Lucario goes to the poffin shop!
« Reply #4 on: February 21, 2011, 06:33:00 PM »
Quote from: StarLite on February 21, 2011, 02:05:20 AM
How old are you?

It seems a little childish, and the story is difficult to read because its crammed in there.
It is good for a first story, but I'd suggest reading some of the stories in this section, preferably written by me, Frenchfry, Jerry, Pkmn Trainer Black... people like us.

Its constructive criticism, to make you a great writer. I would suggest those things to write like a true author.
Fixed.
Also, as a side note, the stories I'm writing have a dark feel to them, so don't take the emotions they portray to heart if you want a story that makes people feel good about themselves.
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Offline Jerry

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Re: Lucario goes to the poffin shop!
« Reply #5 on: February 21, 2011, 06:49:35 PM »
Things you can add...

1. The setting (time, weather maybe, type of environment or better, give hints at this, etc)
2. The plot (why are they doing this or that? Maybe tell a little of what happened before, what is happening)
3. The structure (use of paragraphs is a big issue)

Try those for now. :)
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No one can go back and change a bad beginning; but anyone can start now and create a successful ending.
If a problem can be solved, no need to worry about it. If it cannot be solved what is the use of worrying?

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Offline repo222

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Re: Lucario goes to the poffin shop!
« Reply #6 on: March 30, 2011, 02:23:21 AM »
the story is kinda childish. But impressive :D
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Offline Frenchfry

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Re: Lucario goes to the poffin shop!
« Reply #7 on: March 30, 2011, 02:43:16 AM »
Repo, the man boy who made this thread is permabanned.

Actually, now that he's gone, I can freely say that reading this story made me want to vomit.
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Offline UnationConsideration

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Re: Lucario goes to the poffin shop!
« Reply #8 on: March 30, 2011, 02:47:01 AM »
....What's up with all these newbs?
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Feed My pokemon please I dont want it to die of hunger!
Wont you please feed that cute face?

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